Can I Be Single, Christian and Sexual?

Can I Be Single, Christian and Sexual?

God gives us guidelines on how we should act as single Christians.

 

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Unfortunately the reality is that we live in a sexually charged world. Sex is plastered everywhere, and there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t see ads, TV shows, news headlines or other media filled with sexual themes. As Christians, how do we handle living in such a sexually chaotic society?

Sexuality generates a lot of pain, confusion and heartache for many Christians. Some people may be carrying personal secrets they are afraid to share with others, while some don’t think of sex as a big deal at all. Most Christian’s sources haven’t been very helpful in answering the deep questions that women are asking about sex. In Dr. Juli Slattery’s book, “Sex and the Single Girl,” she dives into what the Bible has to really say about the topic. Based on her book, here are the truths that God wants us to understand about being single, Christian and sexual.

Connecting Your Sexuality to Your Spirituality

Dr. Slattery points out that one of the most important realities from God is that He doesn’t want you to separate your spirituality and sexuality. Whether you are single or married, having sex or choosing to stay abstinent, your sexuality is inseparable from your faith. Our culture encourages us to explore sexually as a way of finding and expressing who you are, but God wants you to think about it in terms of whose you are. Do you choose to belong to God?

Over and over again, society tells you that your sexual choices don’t matter. Most people have bought into the idea that what you do sexually is as trivial as what car you drive. But sex is never just about sex. Our sexual opinions and choices reveal something much deeper about us and our relationship to God.

If you are like many single Christian women, you have constructed a wall between your desires, shame and temptations because they seem like a total disconnect from your longing to know and please God. Your confusion and hidden pain related to sex are inseparable from your relationship with God and you can’t compartmentalize them into two separate groups. God cares about all of who you are, even the “sexual” you.

Instead of being discouraged and confused because you don’t have it all figured out, take it as an invitation to connect with God on a deeper level. God is inviting you to trust Him with your sexuality; no matter how broken this area of your life may feel. By accepting His call, you can begin to develop a more intimate relationship with the Lord. 

Living With Sexual Integrity

Dr. Slattery gives a guideline on how we as Christians can live with sexual integrity the way God intended. First, we have to begin with the truth that humans are sexual beings. Even if you have never had sex, you are still a sexual person and are so by God’s design. He intentionally created you a female with the physical and biochemical properties of sexuality. This means that you have a longing for intimacy, relationships and physical pleasure. God didn’t give us the need for intimacy so it could be isolated or shamed. No, instead God made it so we have a desire to share our hearts, soul and body with another person. Underneath your sexuality is the drive and desire to be known and loved. God created you as a sexual being so that you might understand what it means to long, to desire and to crave intimate oneness. Ultimately, your greatest need for intimacy is to know the God who created you.

Your sexuality is tied into who you are as a rational and spiritual women, as God designed. However going a step further, God’s design was for you to live with sexual integrity. Integrity means “the state of being whole and undivided.” Dr. Slattery then states that to live with sexual integrity means that your sexuality is representative of who you are as a Christian woman. When you live with sexual integrity, your sexual choices are a consistent expression of your relational and spiritual commitments.

You make choices about your sexuality everyday – what to look at, what to think about, how much of your heart and body to give away, and how to deal with your sexual past. Broken sexuality is expressed by single and married women when their sexual choices don’t match up to their commitment to follow the Lord. If Jesus is your Savior, your body (including your sexuality) no longer belongs to you but should be used for God’s glory. As a follower of Christ, you cannot pick and choose which areas to surrender to God. Either He is the Lord of your life, or He is not. This is so crucial to understand.

Women often ask what they should do if they’ve already messed up in the area of sexuality. Even though we cannot erase the past, Jesus offers us a way forward. Jesus came to redeem us in our sin and heal our brokenness. You might know firsthand the tangled mess of sexual sin and how devastating it can be when it is outside of God’s design. However, God invites you to healing and redemption though Jesus.

Understanding Temptation

In Genesis God tells Cain, “sin is [always] crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” Temptation is going to come to you and it’s important to prepare for it. We fight a daily battle to pursue holiness because Satan is always trying to bring us down. Your desire to express your sexuality isn’t a bad thing, but Satan twists that desire and presents you with shortcuts. These counterfeits may appear to meet the longings of your heart, but you will only end up feeling hurt, rejected and shamed. Every women is vulnerable to counterfeit intimacy. Sex before marriage, fantasies, and pornography are just a few of the ways that we can fall into the trap.

There are a few strategies to help you fight temptation, Dr. Slattery points out. First, you must stop flirting with sin. For example, you may not get naked with a man, but you let him put his hands on you. While you think you might have things under control, you are getting closer to the edge of your morals and values. At any time the temptation can be overwhelming and break you. Secondly, you can put on the armor of God. This means preparing for spiritual battle by building a strong foundation with God, having open lines of communication with Him, and fully understanding His teachings. Then, when confronted with temptation, you will feel powerful in your ability to stand your ground. Lastly, you don’t want to leave yourself spiritually isolated. Fighting off temptation is easier when you have other Christians to help you along. Find other single women who you can trust, and have open discussions about how you want to live with sexual integrity in the face of sin.

Building a Relationship With God

Choosing to live with sexual integrity can draw you into a deeper relationship with God. Yet, there are still barriers to making that a reality. Every woman has had barriers between herself and God, and the main message of the Bible is God’s plan and desire to break down those walls that stand between Him and His children. He wants an intimate relationship with you no matter what past sins you have committed. Demolish these strongholds! Know that God made you to be a sexual person, and as a single Christian you can embrace that by having an intimate relationship with Him until you have found the soulmate God has created for you.

For more answers about sexuality and faith, Dr. Juli Slattery’s book “Sex and the Single Girl” can be found on Amazon for purchase.

Backsliding into Sexual Sin

It takes more than just declaring yourself a Christian to beat a sex addiction.

One morning, as [my wife] Kathy was at work and I was sitting around the house by myself, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the temptation to go down to an adult bookstore. I hadn't even considered indulging in sexual sin since the six-hour ordeal. The lustful thoughts kept persisting and growing in intensity. It was as if a demonic cloud of sensuality filled the apartment. Memories of things I had done and seen flooded my mind. A feeling of sensuality permeated my being.

For years I had lived my life for illicit sexual experiences. Sex had become a deeply rooted idol in my heart, a stronghold of the enemy. Although I was genuinely excited about Christianity, my newfound faith seemed to evaporate in the face of those temptations. They came with such force that my intentions to withstand them simply withered. This was so unexpected and happened so quickly that before I even knew it I was "being carried away" by my own lust. (James 1:14) I went down to the bookstore and gave over to sin. After it was over, I left in total disgust, stunned by what I'd just done. It was unbelievable that I had walked right back into the old pigpen of perversion. "Lord, I never meant for this to happen," I wailed. I really wanted to live the Christian life. Because it had taken so much to even get me to the point of making that commitment, I had no intention of going back on it. So I couldn't understand how this had happened. I chalked up my failure to the fact that it came so unexpectedly and determined that it would never happen again. Yet, a few days later, the same scenario occurred. My complete inability to fight these urges left me terribly discouraged. Sexual sin became a looming mountain in my mind. I could not envision ever being able to scale that lofty peak but knew that going back was not an option either.
Fear of Kathy leaving me kept me from confessing my failures to her. Things were going well between us, but I knew her commitment to me was still fragile. Something like this could easily send her over the edge; so I dared not let her in on what was going on. This began a double life of secret sin and Christianity that would constitute my life for some time. I would white-knuckle it for a period and then fall flat on my face once again.

One day, a tall black inmate who had been working in our clean up crew told me the Lord had given him a "word" that he should share with me. "The Lord showed me that you will be quitting the Sheriff's Department and going into the ministry as a teacher," he said earnestly. I politely smiled but didn't take it seriously. I had "sweated blood" for that job and had no intention of leaving it. The whole conversation was forgotten within minutes.
The weeks evolved into months as I learned to adjust to being a Christian deputy. My relationship with some of my old friends became strained. They didn't care for the new Deputy Gallagher. They wanted me to be the aggressive officer they had come to admire. I began avoiding their company in favor of deputies who were more laid-back: men I had detested as wimps prior to my return to Christianity.
One evening, I tried sharing the Lord with the guy who had been my best friend. He became angry and told me to leave him alone. It really hurt me and I was upset all that evening. For the first time I entertained thoughts of leaving the department. The next day, I happened to listen to a Chuck Smith message on tape. The subject of his sermon was finding God's will. Since that was what I was contemplating, I became very attentive. During that talk he said, "If you feel God is telling you to do something, then do it and don't look back. Don't let others discourage you from obeying God's call."
By the time I made it to work that day my mind was reeling. My clerk was sitting there waiting for me to arrive. After going over our usual business, I shared with him what I felt the Lord was saying to me. "Deputy Gallagher, don't you remember that word of knowledge Smith gave you that day?" Suddenly those words came to mind in full force: "The Lord showed me that you will be quitting the Sheriff's Department and going into the ministry as a teacher."
Now God really had my attention. I spent the rest of that evening praying about it. That night, I came home and shared the whole story with Kathy. "Wow, that's exciting," she responded. We discussed it at length and decided that I should put in my two-week notice and we should plan to move back to Sacramento. My mom's Assembly of God church ran a Bible school I could attend.
I gave my two-week notice the next day. Word quickly got around that I was quitting and immediately several of my old friends confronted me.
"Gallagher, what's this we hear about you quitting?" one of them challenged.
"Yeah, it's true, I am," I responded.
"Why?"
"Because I feel the Lord is calling me into the ministry."
"Into the ministry!" They were laughing now. "How did He call you into the ministry?" they asked incredulously.

 

"I felt He was speaking to me," I responded lamely.
"Did you hear a voice from heaven or what?" they demanded.
"The Lord has different ways of showing His people what He wants them to do."
They were howling now. "Well, how did He show you?"
"Look, I can't explain it to you. Trust me, I'm doing what He wants."
It went on like this for some time. Finally I was able to break away from them. I went home that night feeling like a complete idiot. Kathy was sympathetic to what I had gone through. She tried to encourage me, "We both felt like God told us this is what we're supposed to do."
********** One of the things that really excited me about going to Bible school was the thought that I would overcome my sexual sin there. Unfortunately, this didn't prove to be the case. Less than a mile from the school were three adult bookstores I had frequented many times in the past. Before long, I began to visit the movie arcades there once again. So I brought this perverted mindset into class and often lusted over the female students.
It seemed that summer break couldn't arrive quickly enough. I was sick of the confines of Bible school. Kathy was having her own struggles as well. One night, she suggested we go to a bar. This was the beginnings of another horrible backslide for both of us.
Before long we bought another video recorder and a number of X-rated movies. It didn't take long for me to plumb the depths of sexual sin. Having walked away from my gracious Savior, nothing was now below my dignity. I picked up a swinger's newspaper at an adult bookstore and began scanning the ads about couples that were into swapping partners. I convinced Kathy to join me in the sordid world of swinging. As a result, she became addicted to methamphetamine in an attempt to escape the painful reality of what she was doing.
We stayed backslidden for several months. Kathy finally got sick of the sin and repented. She quickly got on track spiritually. Life became more miserable for me than ever before. It seemed that no matter what I did, I could find no satisfaction. Something would always happen to prevent me from having my way with women. Every situation ended in failure of one kind or another. I somehow knew that God was behind it. One time I even yelled at Him to leave me alone. Gratefully, in His mercy, He didn't honor my request. In the spring of 1984, I gave up. The prodigal son finally came home to his Father. My season of pleasure in sin was just about over.

Victory was not going to be easily acquired for me, however. I had plunged far from God, and it would not be an easy return. When I backslid nine months earlier, I had made an enormously mistaken assumption. "It doesn't really matter what I do because one day I'll just repent and get right with God," I had thought to myself. But in reality every single act of sin had taken me further away from the Lord, and all of that ground would have to be reclaimed one painful step after another.
It truly was a long and arduous journey back to where I could sense God's presence in my life again. I knew when I repented of my despicable actions that the Lord had graciously extended His forgiveness. However, the consequences of having spent nine months in the grossest kind of sin were very extensive. Because of my wicked choices, I had been given over to "degrading passions" and "a depraved mind." (Romans 1:26, 28) I had entered a level of darkness that few come out of. Just because I made a new commitment to Christ did not nullify the powerful hold that the enemy had on my mind. My thinking had become extremely corrupted with a satanic perspective of sexuality and life. I had lived selfishly for so long that I had very little capacity to think about others, most notably Kathy. I was full of pride, exalting myself one moment and reacting defensively to others the next. My anger and frustration levels were higher than ever before. Words fail me to properly express the price that sin exacted on me and, in turn, on my wife.
Moving out to the country helped me to refocus my priorities. It also kept me further away from the areas of temptation. The Lord quietly helped me to see that I needed to institute certain disciplines into my life.
First of all, Kathy and I both began to spend time in prayer and Bible study every morning. This was very difficult at first, but I was becoming increasingly determined to get my life right with God. We would force ourselves to spend twenty minutes in prayer and a half an hour in Bible study. In addition to this, my outside sales position made it possible to listen to Christian radio for several hours every day.
Then one day in May of 1985, I was driving through town and got tempted to visit an adult bookstore. I foolishly gave in to the urge and viewed some movies. This sent me into another spiritual tailspin. I binged on sex for the next two weeks, culminating in a visit to a massage parlor. It was a very unsatisfying encounter, and I left the place absolutely disgusted with myself and fed up with paying the penalty for empty, unfulfilling experiences. "Sex with my wife is better than this!" I told myself. That was the last time I was ever unfaithful to my wife. Sexual sin had finally lost its grip on my life!